What’s Going On

Warning: this is an emotional post about my real life. If you’re not interested, you can close the window right now. Thanks!

I’m basically at the end of my emotional rope right, now so I’m going to do the only thing I know to do about it, and that is write.

On May 21st Rayn rushed me to the emergency room at UCSF Medical Center for anaphylactic shock. I was covered in a bright red rash from head to toe, my face and hands were swollen, I was wheezing and struggling to breathe, and my heart rate was over 140 beats per minute (normal for an adult is between 60 and 100). I was given epinephrine, lots of benadryl and prednisone, breathing treatments, and then monitored for seven hours until my assigned doctor considered it safe to release me. I was prescribed prednisone and benadryl for the next week to help ensure that my body would not relapse into shock. On the 26th I had to return to the ER for trouble breathing, wherein I received further epinephrine, benadryl, and prednisone. I’m scheduled to see an allergist on June 6th to hopefully determine the cause of my allergic reaction.

There’s one big problem with this, and it’s that my insurance expired as of May 1st. As some people may know I’ve had some ongoing problems with my left knee, and the amount my insurance would not cover from doctor’s visits and physical therapy is close to $1000. My knee is still having problems. I haven’t received my bill yet from the UCSF Medical Center or the hospital in my hometown of Ashland, but I’m guessing the total will be at least a few thousand dollars, possibly a lot more. Because I’m not a resident of California, I’m ineligible for UCSF Medical Center’s charity write off. I’m currently unemployed because my last boss was having family trouble and failed to pay me for six weeks. I’m not expecting to receive any more work from her at this time. I’m returning to college in September at which point I’m expecting a FAFSA loan to help cover basic living expenses while I’m in school.

Truthfully, there are a few things that are helping me keep on going right now. First, I think I still matter to God even if it feels like everything has gone to shit right now. Second, I try to see Rayn as often as possible because just being around him makes me feel a lot happier. For those that don’t know, we have a long distance relationship; he lives approximately five and a half hours driving distance from me. I am so incredibly thankful I am dating such an amazing person; the only time Rayn left my side at the hospital was to call and let people know how I was doing. He helped me get my prescriptions, took care of me all weekend, and was an overall trooper. Third, I want to get back to Aikido as soon as I am physically able because getting tossed around on the mat does good things for my peace of mind.

It could be the prednisone (thank God I get to stop taking it in a couple of days), but I’ve broken down crying at least a couple times per day for the last week thinking about all of this. I don’t have the money to pay my hospital and my knee bills, and I’m not expecting to rake in the bucks as a full time student. I don’t want to have to stop visiting my boyfriend or stop going to Aikido because – as much of a shitty place I’m in emotionally right now – I think it would be a lot worse without either of those things.

If you feel at all inclined to help, I’m setting up an Etsy shop and things should start going on sale there within the next week or two. You can find my profile here: http://www.etsy.com/people/hammaryn. All sales from this shop will help me pay my bills. If you can’t help financially, words of encouragement are always appreciated, and so are prayers. You may or may not believe anyone is listening to them, but I do.

I love you all, and I’m going to make it through this.